Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius--and a lot of courage--to move in the opposite direction.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.
Anatomy (n): something everyone has, but which looks better on a girl
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?
Everyday we're told we live in the greatest country on earth and it's always stated as an un deniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure 60x80 inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans too, none of which are 'We're number two!
State Legislators are merely politicians whose darkest secret prevents them from running for a higher office.
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
In the majority of sane human lives there is no problem of sex at all; there is no problem of marriage at all; there is no problem of temperament at all; for all these problems are dwarfed and rendered ridiculous by the standing problem of being a moderately honest man and paying the butcher.
If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that to us, do they?
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.
I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them
The race isn't always to the swift, but if I'm putting my money down. That's how I'm going to bet
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
Humor is the absence of terror, and terror the absence of humor.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
Only two things in life are certain, death and that twinkies will out last you.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience:this is the ideal life.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our cheif weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two cheif weapons, fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among our chief weapons are: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope! Um, I'll come in again...
Why don’t you write books people can read?
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it.
We had gay robbers last night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do
If you have weird vegetarian friends it is best not to invite them to a barbecue.
If your lips are extended beyond your nose then you are about to do something rude.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
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