Frisbeetarianism is the philosophy that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck.
Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
The planet is fine, the people are fucked.
I recently heard about a mass murderer who killed seventeen people in three days... they say he was a loner. Well, of course he was. He apparently killed everyone he came in contact with!
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.
Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one
If anyone ever says that they hate war more than I do, they better have a knife.
Why yes -- a bulletproof vest.
How come on the condom dispensers it has a little picture of birds flying over a pretty mountain. They use sex to sell everything else... why don't they use sex to sell condoms?
How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk.
Let's Ban Humans. They All Suck Anyway.
How to please a woman? Love her, die for her, take her to dinner, miss the superbowl for her, buy her jewelery, pretend you're interested in what she has to say...How to please a Man? Show up naked, bring beer.
