I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen
One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of bandaids. Then he said to us, "Now, you two share."
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
[Art] is about as outrageous and murderous an act a person can do short of really doing one physically.
If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?
I like to set small goals that might lead into larger ones, like making toast; this might lead into making a sandwhich and possibly my own space program.
OK, so what's the speed of dark ?
I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. When I got a full house, 4 people died.
I went to a museum, and it had all the heads and arms of the statues that were in all the other museums.
It was my birthday recently, and for it I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. So I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled the humidifier with wax, so now my room's all shiney.
Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in?
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It came in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli.
When I die, I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, i was a suspect.
I used to work at a pet shop with some buddies...in our spare time, we used to braid the snakes. Then one day i got fired when i shaved all the rabbits, dipped them in chocolate and set them in action poses.
The menu said, 'Breakfast served any time'. So I ordered french toast during the Rennaisance.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to critize, but if everybody hated you, wouldn't you be paranoid?
"When I was growing up, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
The last time I tried commiting suicide was about an hour ago. I tried jumping off this very building but ended up doing a tripple back flip with a twist. The only people who saw it were two kittens in the alley and one of them said to the other, "See, that's how you do that!"
Sponges grow at the bottom of the ocean... that kills me. Just think how much deeper it would be if they weren't there.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
My house is completely electrical. One day I left a light on when I went to work. When I came home I couldn't unlock my door.
I plan to live forever, so far so good.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal to my brake light. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and i'm gone!
I bought a blank tape, took it home and played it at full volume. My neighbor complained. Turns out he's a mime.
The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost went back in time
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
I got up this morning and I couldn't find my socks. So I called information. I said, "Hello, information?" She said, "Yes." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were.
You know how it is when you lean back too far in your chair and almost fall backwards, but save yourself at the last second? I feel like that all day
One time i jumped of a tall building and managed to do a tripple back flip with a sumersalt and land on my feet. Then i saw to cats and one cat looked to the other and said "See thats how you do that"
Why do you see babies at the beach? What have they done to earn a vacation?
One time I went into a General Store and they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add?
Uh-Oh, I've lost a button-hole
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
I just got back from the hospital. My girlfriend had to get her stomach pumped because i fed her what i thought was cotton candy and turned out to be insulation on a stick. So i tried to hang myself with bungee cords. I kept almost dying.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.
I have a large collection of seashells. I keep it scattered across all the beaches of the world, maybe you've seen it.
Why do clocks run clockwise? If a clock ran counterclosewise, technically, by definition, it would still be running clockwise. Likewise, no matter how hot or cold a room is, it is still room temperature.
One day when I was little, and my parents were having a party, I went around to all the adults and said, "Drink this, it'll make you taller, it's magic." And they all drank it and said, how cute, how wierd. And then I snuck off into the room where they kept all the coats and hemmed everyone's sleeves an inch shorter.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids, I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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