I'm not really foreign, you know. I just do it to appear more sophisticated! I mean, nobody'd buy Evian water if it was called Blackburn water, would they? Nobody'd wear Kicker boots if they were made in Scunthorpe! Abba? Abba, Swedish? I knew then when they were a Lancashire clog-dancing trio! Arthur, Betty, Boris and Angela! Solzhenitsyn, Solzhenitsyn--a former pipe-fitter welder from Harrogate!
I was walking a dog, and this bloke, he comes to me and says, "Nice day, innit?" But it wasn't. It wasn't a nice day. It was a little bit cloudy. Which makes him very sar-carstic. So acting as if nothing would happen, I took his head, right, put it in me mouth, right, acting dead casual-like, clamped me teeth, and BIT HIS HEAD OFF!! Cause I hate people being sar-carstic.
God, what a nasty woman! [fires a shot in the air] All right, this has now gone on far too seriously long enough by half, OK?! I am now going to phone the authorities, right. And if they do not give me, within 20 minutes, a helicopter...100,000 pounds...a complete set of steak knives... in the presentation box... seven tickets to see the Brazilian National Mime Theatre at the Riverside Studios... a little can terrier named Bobby...one of them little black rubber things, you know them little black rubber things that go "nee nee nee nee", yeah, a big box full of them, right...the complete memoirs of Donald Sinden...Otherwise, I'm gonna blow your heads off, all right? Now, everybody up against that wall, now!!
Why are you smashing up saucers, Rick? Your prints on 'em? I know just how you feel, man, y'dig? Sometimes saucers used to make me pretty angry too. Yeah, there's a lotta heads buried at the bottom of the garden because of a saucer in the works.
Don't panic. Don't panic! Worse things happen at sea. ... Well, like, you could be on a nice cruise in the South China Sea, having a lovely time. There's terrible weather, a big storm, and the ship sinks. You fall overboard, you're drowning! This big shark swims up to you and says, "By the way, Neil's parents are coming to tea in 30 seconds." That's when you panic. Come on!
I think I just nailed my knees to the table.
I wonder how many lentils i've ever eaten?
I baked a cake because it's my birthday and I'm having a party and you're all invited because you're my friends or you just pretend to be my friends... Well, you don't even pretend to be my friends, in fact you all hate me but it's my birthday and I'm having a party and I've baked a cake and....
It's as if the kettle's killed itself rather than be used by me!
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, me, 'cause I'm the only one that does anything around here anyway!
First we sow the seed, nature grows the seed and then we eat the seed.
"Open up guys! Itīs the pigs!"
Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear.
You have brought shame on your family, Neil. I daren't show my face at Lady Fanshaw's bridge evenings, now that you've taken up with these television people. I mean, what kind of monsters are you?! I mean, The Young Ones. Well, it all sounds very good, doesn't it? But just look around you. There's trash! [smashes a chair to splinters] I mean, even, even Triangle has better furniture than you do!
Darling Fascist Bully Boy, Give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman. (The letter Neil writes to his bank manager with help from the rest of the guys in "Cash")
your a spade..(looks at spade) I always call him that.
"Neil... Are these lentils South African? I'm not going to pay good money to eat black men!"
Polution all around sumtimes up sumtimes down but allways around pollution are you comming to my town or am i coming to yours were on different busses pollution but were both using petrol........bombs
We NEVER clean the toilet, Neil! That's what being a student is all about! No way, Harpic! No way, Dot! All that Blue Loo scene is for squares. One thing's for sure, Neil. When Cliff Richard wrote "Wired for Sound", no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory! He was living on the limit, just like me. Where the only place to put bleach is in your hair!
That's just typical of you, Vyvyan! The house is under fifty feet of water and what do you do, build a submarine! [thinks] There's, um, no room for me in there, is there?
How would you like to have sex for money....no no no, you pay me.
Well that's just typical! Five minutes before the most important party of my life, and half the house is destroyed by a gigantic sandwich!
Ha,ha. Missed both my legs.
Voice of youth?! They're still wearing flared trousers!
I've just seen the most amazing thing in the garden! Neil biffed himself in the face with a frying pan!
All right. Now, shut up. [pause] Come on, get up Neil, there's a lot of work to be done. Neil? Neil?! [bends over, feels the body] Oh, God! Oh, God, I've killed a hippie! I've killed a hippie, and now I'll have to pay. Oh, God. Vyvyan's bound to tell on me, and I'll get sent to prison and raped in the shower by Mr. Big who's in with the warders. Oh! Burn the corpse! Burn the corpse. [tries to light Neil, but he won't catch fire] Burn! Burn! Oh, trust Neil to be all soggy! Burn!
That's just typical! Five minutes before the most important party of my life and the house is destroyed by a giant sandwich.
Hands up, who likes me?
I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you Mike? Well, you'd be right. Because THAT's the kind of guy I am, right! WEIRD! Which is why I go over people's heads...a bit like a aeroplane! You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, Mike? Well, I'm not!
I told you a million times, do not exaggerate.
"Darling Carrot, do you think you could ever love a cripple?" "No, I don't think so."
Neil, are you going to make me dinner or am I going to have to kick your teeth in?
"Every morning I take a good poo before I get out of bed."
Vivien, Vivien, Vivien. Every time something blows up in this house its always bloody Vivien.
Oh dear. This calls for a very special blend of psychology ... and EXTREME VIOLENCE.
Oh dear. This calls for a very special blend of psychology ... and EXTREME VIOLENCE!
There's an atom bomb in front of the refrigerator.
Listen! If we don't smash the house up, the council are gonna demolish it, tomorrow!
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